I haven’t posted anything on here for a while, there are two reasons really, the first being that my work blocked WordPress which stopped me looking and making contributions during the quiet times and my lunch break (fair comment you might add) and the second is that 6 months ago on April 24th 2014 my wife left me. My wife who I met in 2006, married in Venice in 2009, took her own son and left me here at home with my own son.
It has been the worst 6 months of my life. Awful. Dreadful. Depressing. Grievous.
This was my second wife. People who know me might wonder at the last statement because in 2004 my first wife died of cancer. You might think it would be twice as awful to lose a loved one through death than from someone walking out on you. This may be the case for many people and my statement is no disrespect to my first wife or to discount what we both went through but this has altogether been for me personally the worse experience. My first wife, the mother of my son was diagnosed with breast cancer in December 2001 just 3 months after we bought our home together and our son was 2 years and 3 months old. She died in August 2004 just 3 days before her 40th birthday. In spite of everything, we knew this was going to happen. After it did happen I was surrounded by family and friends – we all supported each other, shared our grief and love for her, our reminiscences and recollections. I went for 2 four hour sessions of counselling which practically removed my grief, started a new job, saw my son off to school for the first time, received some form of closure from the funeral and took on all the responsibility of bringing up a very young child who was practically 100% dependent upon me.
Two years later I met C. We went to Rome, Florence, trips here there and everywhere, took family holidays with our 2 boys who had just 6 weeks between their birthdays and when I proposed with a ring in October 2007 she said yes and we married in Venice in May 2009 at which point she moved in with me permanently for the first time. There is no doubt we experienced some ups and downs for the first couple of years of our marriage but over time our relationship grew organically, we enjoyed some great holidays, outings together, city breaks and trips. We enjoyed each other’s company, were one of the few couples I knew who went for evening walks together hand in hand and overall were a picture of happiness with a visibly strong connection. Initially, C had a 3 day a week job but had social work degree in child protection and was offered a job to pursue a career in this field. I offered her every encouragement to take the job but one thing she said to me from her roll as an intern was that the office was littered with divorcees due to people unable to deal with the stress of the job at home and it had a devastating affect on many couples – a bit like being married to a cop, she said. I felt our love was strong enough to cope with anything and she took the job.
C’s job was tough, there was no doubt about that and she rarely spoke about it at home. Sometimes we had blazing rows – usually after drinking but over time we checked this to the point that after about mid 2012 we completely stopped having arguments (fights) and had really got to know each other and how to avoid those trigger points or push the buttons which would cause the other to react or if they were pressed the other would shrug and we would avoid any sort of confrontation. The following year, 2013, was our best. We did so much together, had an amazing trip to Berlin for my 50th, she bought me a £6K Rolex (there was a ‘hiccup’ involved here but it didn’t spoil things), went to Grillstock, hiked Rivington Pike and drank wine by the lake, had our best holiday to date during 10 days in Benalmadena, Spain and many many other things which really seemed to cement our marriage. I was happy, she was happy, the boys were happy…what could possibly go wrong?
Up to this point, C, who had come from a home where there appeared little love, especially towards her, used to say to me that I was all she’d got. Her mother died a few years ago, her dad walked out many years ago and her brother worked abroad. We did practically everything together and it was great. We even had gym memberships together but after April 2013 we cancelled our gym memberships and I joined the YMCA gym because they had a great yoga class and C began going to a new exercise class called Crossfit. Neither of us had a problem with this, it seemed quite normal. Then in October 2013 my son was invited to have trials with Blackpool Football Club. This meant me taking him for training on Tuesday evenings and Friday evenings, with matches on Sunday mornings then straight to another match on Sunday afternoon for his other football team he was still affiliated to. C would go to her Crossfit class on Thursday evenings, visit her aunt on Wednesday evenings and also go to Crossfit classes on Saturday mornings. All of a sudden this times of the week when we would bond as a married couple – especially Friday evenings when we would previously relax with a bottle of wine and I would usually cook something from a recipe cook and we would make a bit of an evening of things. On Saturday mornings we would often lie-in, do what married couples do, watch TV in bed and spend the rest of the day together. And then on Sunday I would be up at about 7.30am to go to a football match with my son and not be home until about 5pm. Furthermore, C began making new friends through her Crossfit class, which was fine by me and also going on nights out with them and as Christmas got nearer she went to a few parties – all fine with me, I trusted her without hesitation.
Then in December 2013, something changed. C suddenly became distant, was spending far more time on her phone, texting or messaging than she ever had done before. On December 19th we took the day off together and went out for her birthday but it wasn’t quite the same (whisper it, no sex either). As usual at Christmas C was magnificent, she really made Christmas a wonderful experience but this time in 2013 the magic was missing and again she was messaging a lot and when I asked her about this she said it was her new (girl)friend S she met at Crossfit. But Christmas came and went (shhhh…no sex) and over the next few months things between us really stagnated. It was confusing especially on the back of our wonderful year in 2013 prior to December and most of 2012 but the spark in our relationship felt like it had been extinguished.
I asked C if she was seeing someone else, which she denied, at one point she said she had had a massive fall out with her brother but didn’t want to talk about it. I knew her job was stressful and tried to support her and smother her in love but this was not reciprocated. In February after a rather mute Valentines day she told me the reason for all this was that last October her brother had left her with £6,000 worth of debt and a bailiff had visited our house to claim it, had knocked on neighbours’s doors trying to find her and she had had to find this £6K immediately or they threatened to take her car. For the first time in over 18 months I really lost my temper over this because as I said to her, had she called me I would have dropped everything to be by her side and I said she should not have paid them. For the first time in nearly two years I really lost my temper with her and on the back of all the frustration and hurt over the past 3 months I said some hurtful things to her. Unfortunately, after this point things deteriorated further between us. C barely spoke to me, she was going out more frequently, returning home late from work, all affection towards me dried up, it got pretty awful and nothing I could do seemed to snap her out of it. She also started changing her habits, drinking red wine (she always preferred white) and started flaunting her material wealth on Instagram and Twitter as if she was searching for favour especially with her young friend S who she met at Crossfit.
On Saturday April 11th, C said she was going to Preston for a night out with a girlfriend. She got ready and looked gorgeous and I gave her a lift to the train station. She was actually quite friendly this evening and said she expected to get the last train home which would get in after 11. In the end she arrived home in the early hours of the morning but she snuggled up to me in bed like she hadn’t done in many months and it was actually very nice. I woke up early at about 8 am to make a cup of tea. C stirred and asked me where I was going and she asked for a cup of tea too. When I was downstairs brewing up she suddenly appeared frantically searching for her phone which she couldn’t find. I felt this was unlike her but she found her phone and when I went upstairs she was back in bed and the phone was plugged in on charge, screen down. I sat in bed drinking my tea while C continued to sleep. I finished my tea and felt awake so decided to go downstairs so as not to disturb her. Then I saw the phone again and I wondered. I picked it up, turned it over and saw 3 messages on the screen. The first read something like, “morning babe, how are you feeling? Love Rog xxx”. The next one read something like, “guess you must still be sleeping, speak soon. Love Rog xxx”. And the last read, “Love you babe, Rog xxx”. I exploded. Every fear that I had felt since December seemed to be held right there in my hand and her attitude and approach towards me which had been so hurtful and so confusing suddenly felt clear. In no uncertain terms I told her to get out the house. She said it was not as it seemed.
We avoided each other for the rest of the day and when I went to bed that night she was already in bed. I ripped the duvet off her and she was curled up sobbing I told her to get out my bed and she went downstairs and slept on the sofa. The next day I went to work and told a trusted friend that I had discovered that C was having an affair. She was shocked but said to me, “don’t allow pride to get in the way of a beautiful marriage”. I was not in the mood for compromise and at lunch time I went to an estate agent and picked up the local property paper which I left in a prominent position for her. By Wednesday it became clear that C had been actively looking for somewhere to move to and the enormity of her leaving and the implication began to hit home. That evening after she returned home from her aunt’s I went downstairs to her and asked her, “why did you do it?”. She said she hadn’t and said the texts were just ‘banter’ with a friend. I asked her to swear on her son’s life that she was not having an affair. She would not swear on her son’s life but she swore on her brother’s life that she was not having an affair even though she did not look me in the eye when she said it. Without saying anything I went upstairs to bed.
In the morning I went downstairs and said to C I did not want her to leave, I believed her and I said in spite of our difficulties over the past 4 months I wanted to work with her to heal our marriage and make it work again. She said she had practically completed on a flat so I asked her not to do it. I went to work (C was off work) and at about 10am I sent her a text and she replied that she had paid a deposit on a flat. I could not believe it and drove straight home. I repeated that now I knew the ‘truth’ I did not want her to leave and asked her to stay. Eventually I went back to work. The next few days were horrible because I could not tell if she was staying or leaving but suddenly her attitude changed and she really exerted her power over me in this situation where I felt especially vulnerable. I begged her, I pleaded, I did everything I could to ask her not to leave but she told me she was leaving. She needed her space as she was finding life difficult with me in our house (my first wife’s house with me) and she needed to explore her feelings, maybe take mediation and see how things went. On 24th April 2014 she left and moved to a 2 bedroom flat with her son a 5 minute drive from me.
For days I sent her text messages, I sent her a huge email but I cried and I cried and I cried, inconsolably. The shock was devastating. But I wanted her to come home. 6 weeks later she told me she was not coming home and she asked me for the Rolex back to pay off the finance. Following this communication from her was bitter and resentful towards me and because I was so vulnerable and felt to desperate I pleaded with her to come back and repeatedly expressed my love to her. Last month I discovered that she was leaving her flat and moving into a social housing property with a guy called…Roger (yes, Roger…Rog!). To say this was a shock would be a gross understatement. I sank into a pit of depression to realise that I had been deceived all along and within 5 months of leaving me she was moving in with this other man who had clearly sent those original messages but she had denied anything was going on with. And now she is living with him, I do not wish them well.
That is pretty much how our marriage has gone from the sublime to…the ridiculous in less than a year. I have remained shocked and confused how C could do this without any attempt to try and save our marriage and relationship which by November 2013 seemed to be out of this world followed by an utter train crash. All I know is that C divorced from her 1st husband after she told me she had an affair with a married man, left the partner she had her son with because she said she got bored. She left me after I began helping me son pursue his dream of becoming a professional footballer and now by the age of 43 she is living with her 4th partner…while still married to me.
Of course, there are 2 sides to every story and I am sure C would put a different point of view. I sometimes wish I still hated her which is how I felt after I saw those messages but I fell back in love with her and in spite of everything I still love her and 6 months later cannot fall out of love with her. A fiend who never met C came across my photographs on Facebook of us together and without knowing how we came to part said between us we must find forgiveness because the photos show such a connection between us. I agree. C might do but doesn’t see it any more. And there is nothing I can do about it.